In a Bizarro reversal of the real world, Apple are attempting to make sure there’s more nudity in print than online. Given the internet’s current levels of porn this would require them to pulp an entire rainforest explicitly for explicitness, so they’re starting small: tiny panties.

A single shot of a bare ass in Miracleman saw the offending cheeks overcome by underwear. Underwear which looked like it had been scribbled on in two minutes by someone who’s never seen any, thinks buttocks are flat planes, and still couldn’t resist the urge to give someone a wedgie by drawing a crack right up in there. But then, if Apple were interested in comics fans older than seven years old, they wouldn’t be freaking out over asses in the first place. Which is why Gail Simon’s Movement, is also suffering an attack of underoos. Because you can fight murderers all you like as long as you do it fully clad.

Apple’s problems with pornography, including the way they use that word for anything which admits that humans aren’t asexual amoebae, are well known. But they still sell “The Boys”, so remember: it’s okay to show skin as long as it’s the face of an enemy that you’ve torn off and waved around like the ultimate flag of victory. But nudity is bad!

On the upside: as long as people want to see comics the way they were meant to be drawn, they can still see everything in print. Which means we’ll still be able to collect them!

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